Welcome to Practical Wisdom

Posted on July 20, 2011 by brambo

Practical Wisdom is a blog about life and wisdom and anything that makes the journey easier.  All aspects of life—relationships, marriage, step-families, parenting, life discipline, healthy lifestyles, spiritual growth and maturity, caring for elderly parents, and many other topics—will be discussed from a straight-shooting, no-nonsense Christian perspective.

As a psychologist for twenty-seven years, I have looked into the eyes of heartbreak and desperation for almost three decades. Many of us, including me, have made ridiculous life choices without weighing the consequences, and we suffer from those consequences for the rest of our lives. It is my hope that Practical Wisdom will provide wisdom, insight, information, and knowledge about many topics that affect your life and that it will help you make wise choices, resulting in growth and personal development.  

Many people come to see me with the same problems (although each with a different twist). Many couples with marriage problems have the same issues. Parenting is always a challenge—and we don’t have a handbook on how to figure it out! Healthy relationships (any relationships) are hard work and require commitment, patience, respect, and mutual investment. Practical Wisdom will provide simple answers to complex problems.

It is my prayer that you will find a fresh perspective on life and insight that will help you sort out and untangle the web of uncertainty and complexity in your life. My ultimate purpose in writing this blog is for you to find hope for your future. My message is extending hope for a more satisfying life. My desire is to help guide you toward your purpose and destiny while helping you understand how to resolve conflict and work through difficult life issues. My hope is that you will overcome rejection and betrayal, build positive relationships, improve communication, survive failure and go beyond, and triumph over crisis. 

Practical Wisdom can help you identify your life goals and create a strategy for growth and a better life. God has a simply profound way for us to enjoy His blessings and live in peace.

 It is profoundly simple,  and simply profound! 

Dr. Brenda

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Equip Your Children (part 2)

Posted on January 11, 2012 by brambo

Last week we were discussing what parents should expect from the children in the house. (You can read it here.) Expectations and responsibilities help children grow into responsible adults who can parent the next generation. To continue:              Boys need … Continue reading →

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Equip Your Children for Life (part 1)

Posted on January 11, 2012 by brambo

 

It amazes me how little parents require of their children. Our soft society that requires nothing and expects even less has produced at least two generations of young people who think life and the government owes them something—or everything! This idea that parents do everything for their children and get no respect and nothing in return from most of them is a fascinating phenomenon! I have been a practicing psychologist for almost thirty years, so I have seen the impact of parents requiring little from their children in the past forty to fifty years. Let’s talk a little about how to equip your children for life, so that you don’t end up heartbroken and your children end up lazy and expecting something for nothing.

            You can always tell who is in charge of a family. For starters, if parents can’t require their children to eat properly and establish the habit of eating good nutritious food, then chances are that child is in control of the rest of his/her life as well. Good eating habits are foundational and basic for equipping your child for a healthy life. The bigger problem may be that the parent eats a horrible diet, so they don’t even recognize the problem. Can you get your child to bed, or are they up late and up and down all night? Are they in your bed, wandering around the house, and doing other disruptive things at night? A child who doesn’t eat properly and doesn’t go to bed on a regular schedule is usually in charge of the family, rather than his parents.

            What the child says goes! The child throws fits, and screams and cries until he gets his way. The whole family is controlled by what the children want and how they want it. This is a recipe for disaster for everyone concerned. Not only do proper diet and good sleep habits stay with a child for life, these two areas of life are also foundational for good parenting. If parents can’t make a child eat properly and go to bed at a reasonable time, how are they going to make the child do anything else that is important for their well-being?

            Parents, if this describes you, then you need to make some major modifications in your family and take back control from your children.

            This is a good rule: if a child is old enough to do something by himself, then he should be given responsibility for the task. Picking up toys and cleaning up messes should be the first place to start. Picking up clothes and putting away clean clothes, making the bed—a good second step. As children get older, they can be expected to clean the bathroom, eventually do the laundry, clean the kitchen, and learn to cook. Tweens and teens can iron their own clothes, and getting a part-time job as they move into the mid-teen years should be expected.

            We’ll talk more about what you should expect from older children in the next installment. Until then— 

It is profoundly simple, simply profound!

Dr. Brenda

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More About Relationships

Posted on December 8, 2011 by brambo

    Volumes could be written about human relationships. I watch people struggle every day with relationships with their husbands and wives, children, in-laws, siblings, significant others, and friends. Someone is always getting her feelings hurt about something insignificant and making a big deal about nothing. Or someone else never takes ownership for his life responsibilities, which puts pressure and stress on others in his life. These types of situations create resentment, anger, frustration, and eventually destroy the relationship.

     Many women enter therapy to figure out how to deal with their dysfunctional marriages and husbands. It takes a man and a woman both working hard to meet all of life’s responsibilities together, but some men don’t get it. They let their wives cook, clean, and raise the children—basically carrying the burden for the entire household for years and years—while they watch television. A good woman will put up with this nonsense for a long time, but after asking for help a thousand times, she’s over the marriage. A man whose wife leaves because he has no interest in the home and family is often shocked. He wonders what happened. Men, if this scenario sounds familiar, wake up and become engaged in the wonderful family God has given you before it is too late. If you don’t make major changes in your life, you will find yourself all alone—and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

     The flip side of this is the woman who can’t put down her cell phone long enough to have a relationship with the people under her own roof, especially her husband. She has time for her multitude of friends, but never any time for him. Some wives ignore their husbands for years, refusing to share their lives with their men—until, that is, their husbands find someone willing to talk to them and an affair results. Women, if you are married to a good man who loves you, you have a responsibility to respect and honor him. He has a mandate from God to love you too. If he works hard and provides well, loves and cares for the children, and does all he knows to do to make the family work, then you have a big responsibility to get connected with him emotionally and sexually. If you spent as much time talking with him as you do your friends, you wouldn’t find yourself with a dead marriage. Everybody has a duty to grow up, act like an adult, and meet their relationship obligations.

     Then you may find yourself with someone so dysfunctional that your entire life is spent dealing with his or her problem—for instance, an alcoholic, chronic liar, porn addict, or abuser. But it is impossible to have a relationship with someone who has no capacity to have a relationship. Take a look at this person’s history. Has he ever had a good relationship? Does she have relationships with her family? Does he have friends? If not, he is probably not going to be able to have a relationship with you either. I see people all the time who are trying desperately to have a marriage with a spouse who has never in his or her life had a successful relationship. No matter how hard one spouse tries, only God can make situations like this work.

     Do your due diligence on the front end before you ever get involved with someone. Investigate! Talk with his friends, family (if he has any), and coworkers, and look for red flags. If you see red flags, run! Don’t stick around until your life is destroyed and then wonder what happened. It is less heart-breaking to be alone than it is to bring chaos into your life with the wrong person and then have to suffer to get out of the difficulty. Pray, pray, pray over relationships and ask God to send only people into your life that He has handpicked. Be very wise and guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

 It is profoundly simple, and simply profound!

Dr. Brenda

 

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Relationships—The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (part 2)

Posted on December 8, 2011 by brambo

      In the past few years, I have had several good friendships fall by the wayside. I was very disappointed at the time, but soon realized that the relationships were all about what I could give and do for these women. As long as I was giving and doing, they were all about the relationship, but as soon as they got what they wanted they disappeared. This would be an example of bad relationships.

     Some people will lie and deceive and control and manipulate in order to have their way. Many drape their deceptive ways in religiosity and pretend to have a close relationship with Jesus.

     Bad relationships include people who never really tell you the truth about who they are. They conceal more than they share. When something bad happens to them, you’re left wondering how they got into the mess.

     Bad relationships result when people have expectations—of the relationship—that they fail to divulge. They may not even know themselves what they want. When you don’t deliver their expectation, they are offended. A few days ago a friend of twenty years called to chat—only to end up telling me how offended she had been that I didn’t do something she had expected me to do in the past, and how I had not fulfilled her expectation in a recent situation. I hadn’t known there was any issue in this relationship, much less offense.

     It seems to me that God is separating me from relationships that are not genuine and letting them wither away, while allowing like-minded people to connect and move into deep, committed, healthy relationships. I am ready to be done with any superficial or deceptive relationships and to move into the future with emotionally healthy people who are eternally focused and have passion, energy, and vitality for God and life.

     Ugly relationships are those that are dysfunctional, abusive, neglectful, and destructive. Get out of them! These types of relationships will destroy your life. If it is a marriage relationship, you need to earnestly seek God about what His will is for your life. If you fear for your safety and life, then you need to get out. If you are not married, by all means get out as fast as you can. Be done with the emotional, physical, and sometimes sexual abuse and move on. I believe God lets us see big red flags of warning, but most of us overlook them out of our own emotional deprivation, continuing to dig ourselves into pits of personal dysfunction. Get out before you suffer more grief, heartache, and pain.  

     Get emotionally healthy and do the time to develop strong, healthy, and mutually satisfying relationships. My elderly friend also says we can measure the success of our lives by the quality relationships we establish across our life span. That is food for thought. Look at your life and ask yourself how many quality relationships you have. Get rid of the bad and ugly relationships and focus on wonderful people who are worth loving and knowing—then invest your life in them.

 It is profoundly simple, and simply profound!

 Dr. Brenda

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Relationships—The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Posted on December 8, 2011 by brambo

Part 1…      Many years ago an elderly saint told me that life is about relationships. At the time I was thirty and couldn’t imagine why relationships were of such great significance. But with an onset of maturity and age, … Continue reading →

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Possess These Qualities

Posted on August 23, 2011 by brambo

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.  2 Peter 1:5–7 (NIV1984) 

If we possessed these qualities, our lives would be so full of goodness and mercy. Peter says to make every effort to add to your faith goodness. Would you say that you live a good life and do good unto others? Would people describe you as a good man or good woman? Without faith in God and without basic goodness, we live empty lives that lack vibrancy and purpose. But if we treated people the way we wanted to be treated (do unto others as you would have them do unto you), our lives would change drastically. Add goodness to your faith and see how much God will bless your life.

To goodness add knowledge. How many Christians do you know who have no quest for knowledge? Whether it is knowledge of the Word or general knowledge about life, many have no hunger to “know” just for the sake of being informed. God desires for His people to be full of the knowledge of the Lord, as well as informed, educated people who study and strive for excellence in all things. 

Without self-control, we self-destruct! You can be a good person full of knowledge and faith, but if you have no self-control you can destroy what you have spent a lifetime building. With knowledge we need to work to gain self-control and discipline and rid ourselves of our human weaknesses by allowing the Holy Spirit to transform our lives.  

Self-control allows us to persevere. Many of life’s hardest lessons take years of perseverance before the nuggets of wisdom and knowledge are gleaned from the experience. Many of life’s greatest challenges are sorted and worked through one day at a time for a lifetime. Our attitudes and hearts can be tested beyond our ability to endure; without God’s gift of grace for perseverance we would never be able to make it to the other side. With His grace and love, we can endure the impossible. Cling to the Lord and seek His face for great wisdom and perseverance.

Similarly, perseverance allows us to know godliness. When we give our lives to Jesus, we need to rid ourselves of sin and strive to live a godly life. In our human frailty, so many times we miss the mark and do things that are dishonoring of God, yet we know He is faithful to forgive us and picks us up and leads us forward. The more we stay focused on the Lord and live in His Word, connected to other believers, the more we can avoid the pitfalls of life and their horrible consequences. Strive for godliness and ask God to bring His perfection into your life. 

Godliness means we will be filled with brotherly love. Without love our faith is worthless. If we practiced loving others with kindness and consideration and respect, our lives would be drastically changed. Be kind and loving to your family members. Fathers, love and honor your children; talk to them with great respect and show them your love. Men, love your wives and show them the honor and respect that is due them; when you extend kindness to your wives, you will be shocked by how much God honors your prayers and your life. Wives, love and honor your husbands; show great appreciation for what they do right and stop focusing on every instance in which they fall short of your expectations. Love and show great affirmation and affection for your children; spend more time speaking love and validation over your children than you do correcting, yelling, and berating them for their mistakes. Basically, love, love, love—and reap a great reward from your heavenly Father. And as just a person, love, love, love and watch God start to change your life.  

If we all lived our lives according to 2 Peter 1:5–7, our lives would be a powerful demonstration of the love and power of God on earth as it is in heaven.  

It is profoundly simple, and simply profound!

 Dr. Brenda

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Suggestions for a Better Life for Adults with ADHD

Posted on August 23, 2011 by brambo

Adults who have ADHD should realize they have hope for a better life. The goals for management of ADHD are to change dysfunctional behavior and thought patterns that disrupt daily functioning—and have done for years. So these patients need to learn quick and easy strategies that help them function better right now. Training is needed in the following areas:  time management, decision making, communication skills, anger management, breaking large tasks into small segments, and changing faulty belief systems. 

The following suggestions may help in developing more proficiency in basic life skills: 

  • Set aside time every night to plan for the next day. Get everything ready and organized the night before. Pick out your clothes, find your keys, books, medication, briefcase, computer, and everything needed for the activities of the next day.
  • Make a to-do list of important tasks and priorities and keep it with you at all times. You may need to make more than one due to the possibility of losing it!
  • Practice using an appointment book, iPhone, or whatever means to keep important information collected in one place.
  • Keep notepads in strategic places, so you can keep up with ideas and things you have to remember. 
  • Learn and practice time management skills. Make a schedule.
  • Use a color-coded system for organization. Get rid of all clutter in your life. Organize or get rid of everything you are not using, and anything that doesn’t add value or have meaning. If you feel overwhelmed with this task, hire a professional organizer to help.
  • Make several sets of keys to avoid frustration.
  • Develop a simple lifestyle with lots of structure. The more you have structure—and adhere to it—the more healthy and productive you will become.  

            Changing habits and learning new ways to live life require effort and commitment. The goal is to continue to practice each skill until it becomes routine and a natural part of your day. 

It is profoundly simple, and simply profound! 

Dr. Brenda

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Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Posted on August 23, 2011 by brambo

Adults who have ADHD have suffered for years with feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and failure in school, work, relationships, and family. They report chronic disappointment over underachievement and missed opportunities. Others have treated them with a lack of respect due to their perceived shortcomings, usually with an onslaught of complaints and criticism. Such a history becomes self-perpetuating as anticipation of failure in the outcome of future endeavors adds to frustration.

            As they grew up, these patients felt something was wrong, but they never knew exactly what it was. Parents, teachers, and health care professionals overlooked the obvious and those suffering with ADHD were never properly diagnosed and never received treatment. Some adults think their problems are characterological or moral defects, and they pay a high emotional price for their lack of understanding. 

            Many adults with ADHD do not understand they have a condition that is treatable nor that there is hope for a better more productive, effective life. They find themselves hopeless due to lack of knowledge. When adults with ADHD understand the disorder and take responsibility for seeking proper treatment, they gain hope and personal empowerment for change.

            Understanding that there is a neurobiological reason for their struggle and that this reason is treatable can give them hope. ADHD should be viewed as a lifelong endeavor that extends throughout life’s passages and across situations. It is a neurobiological deficit in the brain, not a character defect. However, people who have ADHD need to accept their disorder and do their part in taking responsibility for seeking treatment, including: developing new communication skills, taking proper medication consistently, and making a consistent effort at accomplishing change in their lives. Structured schedules, time management, organizational skills, and a simplified lifestyle provide some basics that, along with medication, can contribute to significant change in the quality of their lives. 

            If you think that you may have ADHD, seek consultation and/or assessment and receive the treatment that can change the productivity and quality of your life. (This information was taken from Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Third Edition—Chapter 21) Dr. Russell Barkley 

It is profoundly simple, and simply profound! 

Dr. Brenda

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Facts About Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Posted on July 26, 2011 by brambo

Russell A. Barkley, PhD, is considered an expert nationally and internationally on Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). He has spent decades doing extensive research, writing prolifically about the disorder, and working with people who have ADHD. His Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Third Edition) is a textbook packed with the most up-to-date research and information available about ADHD. Since so many people struggle with ADHD and have so little knowledge about it, I want to share some of the wealth of Dr. Barkley’s knowledge and expertise in this area. Understanding the facts about ADHD can help you make decisions for your life or the lives of your loved ones based on knowledge rather than myths.

ADHD is far more influenced by neurological and genetic factors than by social or environmental causes; if a child has ADHD, usually a parent also has the disorder. A deficit in behavioral inhibition may be the characteristic of ADHD that distinguishes it from other mental and development disorders. This disorder is associated with a significant disruption in the development of typical self-regulation. ADHD includes a problem with behavioral (executive) inhibition. 

 People who have ADHD often have other disorders that cause disruption in quality of life and academic and job success. Coexisting conditions for children may include Conduct Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, depression, and anxiety disorders. Adults may experience a variety of psychological concerns that coexist with ADHD.

 Research has shown that medication treatment with stimulants has been found to be superior to psychological treatment. Psychological treatment can provide education about the disorder, time management training, structure and life skills in the home and school/work environment, and modifications in life style. A combination of medication and therapy for parents, families, and the person diagnosed with ADHD has proven to be effective. The medication becomes effective usually within an hour of ingestion and will last for periods of 8 to 12 hours. Strattera was approved for use in the United States in 2003 by the FDA. This medication has no abuse potential and is easier to prescribe than stimulants. Concerta has a sustained released delivery system and has proven to be effective for many people who have ADHD. Adderall XR is an amphetamine that is also prescribed for the disorder. Your physician can make the determination on which medication is right for you.

ADHD is a somewhat chronic disorder that affects many major life activities from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood. ADHD is recognized as a universal disorder with acceptance internationally of its existence and its chronic disabling condition.

I usually close each of my writings with “It’s Profoundly Simple, Simply Profound,” but there is nothing simple about ADHD. It is a complex disorder that brings great struggle and suffering for those who have the condition, as well as their families and loved ones. (Information for this post was taken from pages 36 to 40 of Dr. Barkley’s above-mentioned book.) 

Dr. Brenda

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Symptoms of ADHD

Posted on July 26, 2011 by brambo

 In my previous post, I mentioned Dr. Russell Barkley and his latest book, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Third Edition). Barkley is considered an expert in the field of ADHD both nationally and internationally, and I want to share some things I’ve learned from this important book. 

The primary symptoms (behaviors) of ADHD are chronic difficulties with inattention and/or impulsivity-hyperactivity. These symptoms are “excessive and inappropriate for the child’s age or developmental level, and across a variety of situations that tax their capacity to pay attention, restrain their movement, inhibit their impulses, and regulate their own behavior relative to rules, time, and the future” (see page 77). Attention problems are described as doesn’t listen, fails to finish tasks, daydreams, often loses things, and can’t concentrate (also page77). 

Another problem is distractibility. There are two dimensions of ADHD: 1) inattention, and 2) impulsivity, hyperactivity, and talkative behavior. Adults with ADHD often report the same symptoms of inattention that are evident in children. “These individuals may also fail to consider the potentially negative, destructive, or even dangerous consequences that may be associated with particular situations or behaviors” (see page 80). 

Impulsivity is multidimensional and involves constructs of executive control, delay of gratification, effort, and compliance, poor sustained inhibition, and inability to inhibit to delay a response or defer gratification. “Evidence that behavioral dis-inhibition, or poor effortful regulation and inhibition of behavior, is in fact the hallmark of this disorder is so substantial that it can be considered a fact” (page 81). Symptoms that characterize childhood ADHD are likely to be associated with its adult equivalent. 

Hyperactivity is restlessness, constant movement, and unnecessary gross bodily movement. Poor self-regulation and inhibition of behavior are what seems to be distinctive in this disorder. Predominantly Inattentive (ADHD-PI) ADHD manifest sluggish cognitive tempo (see page 110). 

ADHD occurs in boys approximately three times as often as in girls in community samples. Boys have a higher risk for Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder than girls, but girls with ADHD have somewhat lower levels of intelligence (page 111). 

Dr. Brenda

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